Patrick Gage Kelley

i.e. expect changes.

I have decided to interrupt your daily posting of movies for this destructive site re-arrangment. I know. Very sad.

Update: And by give me a second. I mean give me at least a day. I wasn’t happy with what I saw and am now going to sleep on it. So until then you get some nice blue and gray.

Drove back to Pittsburgh today. Hung out with Jenna and Erin. Plan to go see No Country For Old Men tomorrow. Had a good coffee experience, need to write that down. But for now, nothing.

Well. There she is, the new REPORTER Magazine site, currently hosted on my own private webspace ( undertheemptyingsky.com ). You can go check it out. It is completely re-done from scratch. It has .pdfs of every issue (working on back-archiving), new extended RIT Rings (585.IRK.KNEE – drunk dial away!), extended interviews, sports game reviews, and fresh new drunk-dialed-podcasts of glory.

That has been pretty time consuming, and these initial weeks are leading to a lot of modifications and expansions, but it has been a fun project. Especially, as compared to my other project sgvote.rit.edu which I am doing for Student Government, and really for Cory, Greg, and Blair – they tricked me! But the site isn’t too bad, mostly just updating. The big hassle was elections (last week) but those are over now so things should be calming down.

And that just leaves me with Senior Design, some writing classes, working on getting a second major, graduating, and getting everything ready for a great travel filled summer and CMU in the fall (Did I mention I picked CMU?).

Wow this was an optimistic post. I better watch that.

Happy Birthday Katie.

But in other news. Heather and I have been playing booknest tag. As in we have been going back and forth posting books to catch up. I am still about three months behind, posting stuff I read in January. Which is of course how things always seem to be.

Finally, posting about Philadelphia will come soon and also I picked Carnegie Mellon, sent in my acceptance, and things are moving along with that. Oh, and I am working on rewriting Reporter’s site for real now, we got the go ahead, so look for that soon. Like April 21st soon.

for the two or three people who follow my life with some slight interest that should stir something deep within you. At least you should wonder why this change has ocured. Possibly i have become desperate possibly I have become less desperate. Of course far too much has happened for me to relate it to you. Far too many moments in time and too many eople. I feel calm. perfectly calm. Nothing works out. This is a thing. I wonder what is expected of me tonight? i wonder what is expected of me ever. Things must be done movement is needed. For now i wish you all farewell. Until we meet again gental reader stay warm in your coats.

It seems the answer is me. Hello gental readers I have missed you. But my real Journal has stopped as well so you should not feel robbed, I write here in the hopes that I will start there again. What has my life done to me in these last weeks? Little that is worth speaking of. The future seems less of a riddle now then it did. I should be doing my mathmatic lab its why I came here afteral. Last year I sat in commons and watched two gus moving tables. Each time they would pick up one more. When they had four tables stacked high between them it was clear the weaker would not make it. He cursed and dropped his end. His co-worker laughed at him. This will not be explained futher. It ought to stand on its own. Besides, I have a meeting, and this work to do as well. Goodnight, and hold on my dear friends.

30 – Winter – Ghosts of a Future Lost


there are times when we go back to the start .

i can remember a completely fearless time
when nothing so simple would have slowed me down
a step would not have been missed
causing me to trip
falling is like this .

is it possible to be jealous but not be competitive ?

When we were young we would row out to the island, and wander amongst the plentiful oak trees held there. It would be a late night, the sky dark, overcast, with only a few twinkling stars where the holes in the air held light for our eyes. We would go quietly, by foot, and approach the northern western tip of the island. That is where we would see several men, silhouetted against bonfires. They would be laughing, and yelling, screaming out their joy or anguish, bellowing their cries into the night.

Fall Quarter, welcome back to RIT.

Welcome back to sixteen clubs/organizations. Twenty credits of class, and eight extras that I am hardly paying attention to these days. (Which is horrible, because we are not learning any physics at this rate). Not to mention a world of storms.

Well this is what university is for me, work. Constantly there are things to do, now I mean sure, I set it up this way, but I am not sure that makes it a good plan. Anyway, this being my first free weekend, I have decided that I again need to head back to the theoretical drawing board in the sky, to pack a few more things into this website.

As Inman the dust settling on his website does not mean that nothing is changing, just that he is working behind the scenes, and you should soon expect glorious things. It means the opposite for me, I have been absent, I have done nothing. My room is still naked, the walls are still white and I have been living here for three months.

Umm, for not having said anything in forever, I have surprisingly little to say, of course summing up such amounts of time is always harder than concentration on that which is clearly at hand.

Every day now I will write something, I can pretend like I am talking to someone who just left, telling them what they did miss, in hopes that they will return.

i have been back for nearly a week now. Funny of course because anyone who reads this knows that. Anyone who reads this will not be surprised by anything i have to say.
so much was said that held so little back, such hate such resentment, such judgement. I feel worn because of it. Like an old pair of jeans.
It did, it does make me feel better i suppose. but there is not really much hope here.
Brutalism desgined this campus. Why does it feel so much like home?
Survival of the most detached. ah well there are many sun ups left, and many long nights.
this is not summer, and so i feel stronger already.

I believe I forgot to write, or discovered myself in a state of busy-ness, and the unproductive kind at that. I have no good excuse, and will not apologize for my absence, I will just state clearly that things are most likely about to change, and my control over that is small.

University starts Monday, and now that it is almost here, I can truly think of nothing else I would rather do.

Before I went back to help out with orientation, there was a bit more fear in my heart. Just because things this year will be different in a way I am not used to. I suppose that I will be though. It mostly has to do with age, I got older, and my setting will be older, and it is time to take that on.

Tonight I am taking Kerri out to dinner, and then I am off to visit Elise and teach her C++. And then tomorrow I am back to school, probably evening time. And the work is already building up, I have things to do for signatures and swe. The basement is cleaner than it has been, but I still have to finish packing things up to travel with me.

We do keep travelling.

It has only been a few days. Things continue much as they have. I read i write i see places i have seen before, but not in years. This vacation is some of the strangest deja vu i have felt in years. Places from my childhood, stories, smells, and memories are attached to every place we visit, there are only so many tourist spots in Yorkshire, and i have been coming here for my entire life. The moors are as always breath taking but i cannot walk them as i would like this my grandmother fancies that she cannot walk. We drove through them. I hope that will not be all, I feel like there should not be roads, but civilization must go on i suppose. Even if that means driving through ancient towns and country-side in a brand new SUV. I finished Dune and Dune Messiah. I am half way though Children Of Dune. For those of you who know my former trips to this land will know that means i am busy, two books is not many. I am writing a massive amount i suppose. I view my return with resignation. I am enjoying my solitude. School is unknowns and this vacation is simple and direct. It is raining a lot. I understand it is to rain all next week. I shall get wet i imagine. I am here (in York) until Friday morning, and then i return to London via train. I will remain there for the weekend and fly to Wi on the monday the 31st. The best plan is to drive to Emily on the 2nd stay there one or two days and arrive at home on the 3rd or the 4th. Future bible hero is a wonderful band. I am often glad of my ipod. I still cannot spell check. I am sorry.

Life is going on without me i assume, i read that email, not use my welcome letter, sigh… who runs this world. Anyway i suppose im on vacation the first bit was good my great aunt was fun and i enjoyed myself. Now im in york, my gradmother is… wow. I can’t tell you and i won’t. Take my word for it i have seen how to grow old and how to not grow old. I suppose it all well. It is funny…. the email, not really appropriate ha what do they know. kids…
I have travelled 6 or 7 timezones and perpectives shift i suppose. Life is fine, its the greatest farce i have witnessed in many a long year. Ah well i will try and write again when i have a moment it is hard to find computers here i suppose. I can’t spell check this, pat fix it.

...and the telephone started ringing ringing ringing ringing ringing off – dntel

::

I think it is important for me to remember I only have six days left of work. Then I get back to those things that matter… or at least hopefully have more time for things like webdesign, sleep, and reading. This of course will end shortly thereafter with the beginning of classes.

Although I could go into further depth, I do not really care to venture into stories about how RIT is going to make me take certain classes, whereas I would probably (definitely) prefer to be taking other different courses, and we will instead move on to stranger topics.

I read a few books: QED, The Pleasure of Finding Things Out, and The City of Ember. I am now in process on Men At Arms, and The Dragon Circle.

Yes, very soon I will even get a list of books I have read recently, possibly with reviews, more likely with small descriptions that give a general overall feel for what is going on. It would be very good of me, but lately my time has not fallen to webdesign easily, for reasons I may not very well understand.

I will say City of Ember, a young adult book, was very nicely presented. It is the story of an underground city, that has lost its original intentions – the reasons for its existance – and is now floundering, running low on food and electricity. However when you and your last five generations of ancestors have passed their entire lives underground you expect little else from the world. Anyway, you should all go take an hour, maybe two, and read it. Escaping a city of darkness is something we all should do everyonce in a while, it is a good reminder to look around.

(As for something about forgetting the intent of an action, I will come back to that soon, I was meaning to get there, really.)

My housing is wrong. thats really a pain. My ipod shiped, it may make it here by england.
I am not forgetting anything.
it is a strange sort of silence to understand that things go on.
All these people who seem to think their lives are more importaint than the people around them. The fallicy of this statement doesn’t seem to connect with people so i will repeat it: you are not the most importiant thing in your life, your personal joy is insignificant compared to the people around you. People do not exsist to entertain you. It should not be a requirement that a person be amusing. I can’t describe this, it should be ingrained in everyone of you, but its not. And so i am sure this seems absurd, oh well, i am happy if i do not give myself time to be unhappy, that is not right, but there is nothing to be done about it now.

Pushing for something until we feel we have pushed too hard
Then you know it is over
Unless something changes, intent, action, a push back.

And automatically, no not automatically, necessarily, we forgive.
—-
I made it back to Maryland, back to work, back to classes, back to reading, back to “real life”.
The flights were a pain; I do have my luggage back, now.
—-
School is starting to build up, I can tell because there are more things I should be doing for it already.
I should prepare, start now, stay ahead, but it will not happen.
There are always other things I can do.
—-
I have been reading a lot of Feynman, it is good for me, makes me think, makes me a little upset, and prepares me for next tour, which three months of school is really going to get in the way of. I am thinking of changing my schedule a bit.
—-
Kevin updated his website/blog, it looks good, I am jealous, somehow I lost all my time, but I think it will be back in a few days, I hope. If not I am going to keep building up to a life of solitude over the next few months.
—-
Sometimes we are ready to explode, and lately it is very different, an explosion of caged energy, not having the right means of expression is my guess. But I have not found a solution, so I just keep screaming into the night.

I am perhaps ready to return.

i still don’t understand the story.

Its August.
It feels funny to say that.
the next two weeks will pass quickly,
my sister comes on the 7th
then my birthday and packing until the 15th
work ends on the 12th.
then england which will be a distict change.
Nothing remians, i do i suppose.
Oh well sometimes you have to actaully stop the car, and let it cool down before repairs really make sense
i wonder if its worth the bother?
i am getting an ipod 20GB, not as a present but subsidezed as a present. that will be nice.

soon i will have to make icecream again, raspberry and stawberry, which have to be made in huge quantities, since that is how the fruit comes. That won’t be bad, its all mix in, so that means rinse, but it also means i don’t really need to pay any attention to what im doing. Besides i only work five hours. and there are only like 5 crates of mix left anyway.

the memories make me sad sharply. That won’t change, there are moments which lodge themselves in my conciousness for years. i feel i made a new crop of such moments.

A vacation is needed to remember what you had before you left.

Florida is hot mostly. And very schedule driven. Every afternoon at about 3:30 PM it rains, downpours actually for about 30 minutes. We call this lunch time.

Other than that the weather is beautiful, and here by using the word beautiful I mean very very hot, and very humid, and mostly sunny. It is good for laying out on pieces of fabric on the hot sand and sweating until your skin changes different shades of colour. For some people no change will occur at all, for some people their skin will slowly darken, for yet others it will begin to pulsate the brightest reds.

I eat, I sleep, I read, and I occasionally create armbands out of thread.
Often I play card games and colour in a colouring book at night. With crayons.

I also walk alot. The stretch of beach we are on is quite long. It spans from our hotel (the biggest, newest, largest hotel) all the way down past many (twenty) hotels down to the pier area where food and shopping is located.

Here you can see people wandering around and spending money on many things that say “Florida” and also many things that say “Fort Myers”.

I have finally located the computer (singular) in our hotel. It sits in a little room with yellow walls and a bright blue desk.

I now must go, and eat ice cream.

Good day, (I will return very shortly)

its a song about love as a has been. Their music is part of some complicated story i don’t understand.

“i’ll come running to you, honey when you want me to”

Music is like a sound track to my life. love…. we would speak of this thing, this notion this idea, when it is with you, there seems nothing to speak of, desire, lust, affection, all seem wired into our apeish brains, and should not be questioned any deeper than why we get hungry. However that other thing, that striving for perfection in a relationship is more than that. I described it as natural human pattern recognition, lets say I date a girl, things go poorly, lets say I date again, it ends. I can, after a span of time and distance, say one was better than the other, and then extrapolate perfection and seek it. Is this all love is? it shouldn’t be, but i can ofter no counter argument to they lived happly ever after. I suppose i disagree with this whole argument because i am not looking for perfection. I do not believe in such things. A relationship that is good enough, honestly is good enough. This does not mean i am not selective, what level you place good enough at is important, but what it does mean is that you will never find your soul mate. Perfection should not be your goal. Find someone, a real someone that you can invest time and interest in, and if both of you work at it, you can live happily…. maybe not ever after, but happily. and when it falls apart, well im afraid my idealism can’t offer a solution to that just yet

“somethings got a hold of me and i don’t know what”

Move forward.

There are a number of pages on this site that are not quite the way I want them. They sit a little broken, or not quite correctly coloured, or even missing pieces of content. There are recent inconsistencies in where the footer is (if it is there at all ), because I felt it was not necessary for all the pages. Should I pause what I am doing, take it all down and create consistency throughout the site?

No. As firm as ever, the answer is no. Because I have tried that approach, and these problems will always exist in some form. I have come to the conclusion that it is most certainly better for me to forge ahead. If designs choose to seperate from each other, if they choose to grow on their own, so be it. If the links page is blue, and the blog is purple well then I guess that is how things are meant to be coloured. I have gotten more content up recently than in the past because I have been willing to keep pushing, with a continued thought to work out the details later.

And maybe once I feel the sections that I have, have settled I can go back with a complete site architecture and attempt to form a design scheme then that focuses on similarity but for now, I am more than happy to let this become what it will.

There are only so many aspects that can be planned before all planning becomes worthless, and at this point I would much rather be exploring the possibilities than making everything fit into a picture frame.

Yes, I have some new site parts, that will launch soon, and each will lunch when it is completely ready, each with a different design created to compliment the content, not anything else.

I can tell that this is going to be a very straight to the point and un-contemplative entry (that is what I get for writing in the morning).

I leave for florida next Wednesday, for a much needed vacation (from everything). This weekend I plan to ignore everyone I know and go off on my own, somewhere yet to be determined. I think I will find myself a nice seat somewhere downtown where there are lots of people drifting about and watch them for a while, read some books, write some words, draw something. Just some time where I need not interact with those around me.

I finished another book yesterday, A Few Corrections, which was quite good, sad in many most likely unintended ways. The task of rewriting an obituary is, I suppose, less than rewarding. Recently, I really have been enjoying novels, specifically if they tend to be a bit psychological, and it also seems i am in favour of stories where I cannot distinguish the author from the narrator (I do seem to like an author who seems to really be inside of his novel).

I may write something more soon, when my brain turns on; writing in the morning is always something of an experience, you wake up, and write right away, before you can really form thoughts, you are not distracted by the day’s activities. No, it is clean and fresh, and full of nothing but details of the unimportant. Yet pushing through it created something and most recently, creation is the point.

its been a while. I find myself swept away by the silence of my life.
when the summer sun beats down i work and am happy,
and when the summer moon shines down i am sad and watch it
i watch the stars for hours these days,
long walks into the back roads of this place lenghty chats with the nothing that is outside me.
when i am least able to put my thoughts into verse i come here.

i cannot express the damage that you did to me.
that you insist on doing.


but i am growing again
you can out age any problem
anything is possible for a summer
and mine is slipping away
i write the date on every icecream i make
i am amazed that they move forward
that today is a different day than yesterday. that the 22nd is almost done
the 23rd is about to begin, i am not sad if i am careful
i am not crazy if i watch for it, and kill it by pretending to choose
and by watching bad tv.
i wasn’t going to walk tonight last night was almost too far wore me down a bit too much.
i think i will walk tonight, my mind requires it.

We have lost most of our drive to keep pushing.
But we still do.

I apologize for not posting for … umm, a while. I have been working on some other projects and other thoughts have taken my time. Still I am not reading or writing as much as I would like to be, and most recently I have found myself just staring off into space from time to time when I am not specifically working on something. I do not go outside enough and I am too often around people.

And I still have not found solutions for the problems we have.

As for the website, I updated the look of the main sections, it worries me how un-integrated the blog is, and it will probably get a clothing change in the coming few weeks. It will also probably obtain a few more authors because we all feel lonely from time to time.

I should actually be here and around posting this week. Yes.
Oh, and I learned arabic. Or at least took the first few major steps on this journey.

And as for simplicity, a quality we try to attain in many things, something I think I need to more actively work towards, the simplest solution, the most elegant, is often the most correct.

thank you pat.